JusMoi ... My lif3sT0ry ...

it's been a long week ... and many more to come ... 26Nov: we had our 1st day kursus @Hong kah cc (near bt gombak). we had to miss the last minute escot but it's all worthwhile. the 1 qns that we have to ask ourselves "kenapa kita nk bernikah?" it just makes us both pause and tink for a moment why do we do it. for now all we could say "it's time to satu kan cinta kita yg dah kita semai for a long while." maybe our reasons might be different as we step into each day before the nikah day? ... we'll ask ourselves when the time comes again ... what d wants to bring back after the course is ... "mcm mane kita elak kan dari perpisahan dan penceraian" ... a qns he wrote on the survey form and i read it. it's nice to know he give these things a tot ... and when ask why he attend the course ... he said "he wants to learn about marriage and all ..." i have the same objective as him. at the same time "i want to know how to keka...

well ... this year raya really really mcm malas gitu ... but being tradition and the norm in the family ... it's still celebrated rgdless. Tis is our 3rd raya together ... and hopefully the last being solo / or as gfren-bfren ... what happen to us over the past few weeks leaves a scar to me. not sure if it's just my own doings or it's my strong intuition or just my paranoid self. questions and more questions that i have no answers for. this yr, raya with my side. morning he reach my place. after he had his meal, we head to his mum's place. every1 is not ready. nk kata we're early, we're not cos it's already 11-ish if i'm not wrong. so we hang out a while. the mum is being sarcastic (i felt so) saying that she is not raya-ing cos she has no $$. sigh!! kak ti said she's busy ... it's been her only word she could utter to me since the past weeks. seriously i've no idea what is wrong and what wrong have i done to deserve this cold treatment....

66 ... the devil number ... hehehe ... but of course this entry has nothing today with the devil in me or in d. well just tot jot it down what's going on so far over the past few days. d picks me up on Monday after work. from the start i get into his lorry till we hug (and believe me it's the best hug ever) ... i cried and cried ... tears jus doesn't stop falling ... not because when i see d i cried .. but i'm just too hurt. too hurt by what he did. d was tired that day ... he was gone for a moment in between there. in fact he was on half day that day cos he was too sleepy. the day before after the escot he slept at my place ... and after he left he went to help out zul with his pocket bike. hmm ... ngantuk nya semcm ... anyway he said he is sorry ... and i forgive him. but i'm very very hurt. we part ... we hug ... and we bury what happened. the next day ... things are norm. that evening d ask me when is our kursus. the day after he sms me in the morning ... ...

this time i'm really really really hurt ... NO ONE has hurt me so deep like this. Rasa mcm nk lari jauh2 ... tp kaki ni mcm tk terlangkah. i can't bring myself to smile. i try to make myself busy with work ... but as i was doing my work ... i cried ... kenapa d buat mi cam ni? ape salah mi d? d kata mi tk de kurang nya ... then why? kenapa mesti d luka kan ati mi? tergamak d. tergamak d buat mi cam ni. kalo d dah tk syg kan mi ... lepaskan la mi. mi cuma nk lihat d bahagia. tp tolong la d jgn siksa mi mcm ni. kadang ade lebih baik nya kita tk tau ape2 ... tp it will hurt even more biler kita dpt tau kita di bohong. this is what exactly happen. maybe mi bukan jodoh d. maybe kita hanya mampu bercinta ... terluka ... mungkin mi bukan org yg d leh percaya ngan rahsia d. sungguh menyedihkan ... sungguh dalam luka nya ... and agagin i cried and cried and cried ... trima kasih d ... trima kasih untuk segala nya ...

What have a done today?!! I told d " ...since d nak rilek then mi rasa mi shld too and biler di dah ready, d call mi... " His reaction is unexpected. He is calm. and he says ok. but me??!!! i end up crying non-stop. He ask why shld i be crying? sigh!!! guess i shldn't huh?? but i have feelings and i knew he does too ... things he says ... " ...mi tau di bergantung ngan siape kan... " " ...d tak pernah ckp mcm tu... " ... those words ... melts me away for sure but i hear sincerity from him ... guess things are bound to happen. but maybe he is meant to still be mine? i propose to him ... " d ... sudi d jadi suami mi? " ... well he didn't propose to me. nor did he ask if i want to be his wife. but i tink it's something i need to hear. and he said " YES! " " ...ikhlas... " " ...and d will be mi forever... " amin! amin! amin! Kata2 tu 1 doa ... Aku ingin engkau selalu Hadir dan temani aku Di setiap l...

She's 5 today ... Happy Birthday Te'a ... Stay healthy and grow up pretty ... we're always here for you ... and we will always love you ... And to my dear Boss, Mike and Wifey, Suphanee Happy ANNIVERSARY!! wishing you both many many years of blissful life together ...

tink abt it ... 1. he has a new watch; and a white one. i remember he doesn't like white cos nanti kotor. but he bought it for $5. 2. he has a ring ... saw something with "S" on it. 3. he bought hair dye and dyed his hair ... said he anyhow chose. and had his hair dyed HIMSELF ... and that nite he didn't even tell me that he has his hair colored. 4. he had his air horn fixed ... said he did it during lunch. didn't tell me till i met him on sun for soccer that's when i ask (cos i saw the siren) 5. he has new boxers ... bought at watsons. i saw it hidden away behind his seat. 6. he no longer picks me up from work ... he use to say that no matter how little time he has, he will spend it with me. 7. he no longer trfs his pay to me. i've no idea how much $$ he has. 8. he didn't tell me abt him paying off his ex the $$ till i ask ... and he said he paid cash 9. he started wearing bangle ... said it's his old one. 10. he picks me up last sun to ...

ohhhh how much i really miss those movie nights we had together. d sms seems a bit weird today. he ask if i had any plans. of course since when do i have plans since the d he STOP picking me up from work. so tonight is like all other nights. NO PLANS. and that's when d ask if we shall go for movies. as usual i got to pick the movie. Eagle Eye was the best bet. http://www.eagleeyemovie.com/ we catch it at our usual movie spot ... Marina. but this time we were shocked!!! the parking cost us $7++ ... mak ooiiii!!! parking price dah naik sehhh ... d paid for the movie. paid for our dinner; BK burgers. paid for the popcorn. and we even went to al azhar @Bt timah to have our drinks before he send me home and he head home. (yeah!! since the day he stop picking me up from work. he too stop spending the night at my car park in his lorry. no matter how tired, he will drive home) sigh! well tonight seems to be normal. d seems to be the same d i knew. while having our drinks, we talk a bit...

pejam pelik pejam pelik ... it's 80 days ... counting down. ytdy had a talk with d before i went into office. (can't leave me alone by myself else my negative vibes just get the better of me) i actually wanted to tell him that we both should take time off from one another. But then after talking to him ... his actions means = he wants to rest take a breather so that we will not quarrel and all and wait for the moment (our wedding) to come. sigh!! that's alrite if he really did spend his time at home and no where else ... but i really doubt so. not sure why but my inner self jus dun agree. that evening we sms each other. i reminded him that it's time for him to get involved in the wedding preps. can't possibly i'm the only contributor kan? dah lah i contribute monetary ... tk kan all others pun i contribute ... then what does he do? so we set the record straight, he will pay for the mas kawin and all others i settle myself la. is my effort all worthwhile??

somehow the number 3 just means a lot in our life history together. this is our 3rd raya together. and alhamdulilah we will live to celebrate it together. things r kind of ok with us for now. 14:52 D: D dpt mi syg..maafkan d kalo tingkah laku d terlampau (i was at the bus stop and later in the bus ... tears just keep on flowing down voluntarily) 14:57 Mi: D tk salah syg. Perangai mi yg melampau smp buat d stress n hurt both of us. Mi mintak maaf byk2. Mi deserve it la. Mi trima. 15:26 D: K syg change n have a gd rest bsk kite jmpe k miz n luv mi sox10 much. 15:30 Mi: K syg. D tk mo lik lambat sgt 2day k. Mi miz n luv d lotsssss ... 1521 D: D 2 as much as i still have my reserve. I tink for the best of us, i'm going to let it go ... sometimes the more we tink, the more negative it gets. Maybe he really do love me and he really do want to spend his life with me. Ya Allah hanya kau yg tau ... Takbir bergema, sayu ati terasa, Tapi yg pasti d tetap disisi mi Sepuluh jari mi sus...