i thought wrong ...

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i thought i dun need to shed those tears anymore ... but i'm wrong ...
i shldn't hav done what i've done ... but if i dun't i wldn't know ...
my reaction was pretty slow though ... but i guess the impact is just too great ...
"...calm as the river i am ... but strong current underneath that kills..."

soon after ... tears flows ... all hunger and tiredness not felt at all ...
i bathe ... but didn't realise i'm done ... i checked my emails but i didn't know if i read anything ...
nothing gets registered ... it's like being there but not there ... soul-less ...

wat shld i do? what wld u do if u were me?
what if you knew ur bf had girl-A?
what if you knew, he got his fren to ask me where to get flowers and the flowers meant for his girl-B?
what if you knew that he and girl-A had plans to get enaged? even had the engagement date and anniversary date noted in the calendar?
what if u suspect that they slept together?
how wld u felt if he bought ring for girl-A?
how wld u felt knowing he took pics hugging with girl-B?
how wld u felt knowing he get to know another girl-C?

shld i just walk away? which is the wise thing to do ...
or shld i confront him? but what did i want in return? what do i expect from him in return?

i'm not confused ... but i just want closure ...
I wld rather be alone, single, grow old, lonely ... then being hurt over and over again ...
i can only take so much ...

"...staring at the mrt tracks ... with a blank mind ... it's no wonder it happens..."
picturing myself 'sleeping' ... will that do justice to my family ... but it sure ends my pain ...

for now ... i'm closing what i can ...
for a start ... my friendster account has been set to just viewed by friends ...
i've said goodbye to updating my blog ...
my webbie has been updated ... for those not in my multiply network ... u've been diverted to my webbie ... whatever is left of me ...
for those here in multiply ... tis is not link up to him ... hence i will blah myself here for now ...

i might drastically end my career ... might move out of singapore ...
i might confront him today ... today marks our 9th month anniversary ...
let's have some closure ... shall we? should we? can we? ...

i'm tired ... just tired ...
i just want to sleep ... and never wakes ... tink that's best ... may i rest in peace ... Amin!! ...
"..i pray to god to give me strength ..."

Comments

  1. XXXX YYYY27 July 2005 at 21:31

    dear, r u ok? be strong k. please remember that. don't show him your weakness k.

    i will be here at anytime for you dear should u need a hand to reach for you.

    once again, be strong. be very strong. i pray for u.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Zalinah Seman28 July 2005 at 17:17

    give u'rself time to think...and isolate him from u'r thoughts for now. kalau tak bleh...KAO NAK AKO BEDAL DIA?!! hahaha!! ok seriously ti...accept the facts...dun act though...juz sit back & relax....hard to do...but dun let him 'break' u'r heart....but i sure can break his legs!! hahaha again!

    come on...go do some jogging...and sweat it all out! there's always sunshine out there..sometimes when matter of the hearts are concern...mcam takde sun takde bulan pun...only dark clouds *rite?*

    been there remember...i was down in those black hole...and yet i came back stronger...if i can do it..sure u can...juz dun give in to misery or sorrow...u'll only pull u'rself down...dun let others do that to u...u have to put u'rself together..NOW!

    cheer up pls...kalau boring kat umah..u'r most welkom to babysit my cranky prince though! ;p

    ReplyDelete
  3. JusMoi -28 July 2005 at 19:25

    thanks dear ... i'm just mindless at moment i penned it down ... tak tahu nak buat ape ... i know where to find if i need a shoulder to cry on ... thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. JusMoi -28 July 2005 at 19:28

    thanks Na ... i use to be strong but s'krg mcm vulnerable gitu ... dah tua i guess ...
    i shld be ok (dun worry nanti aku prepare wasiat seblom aku pegi) ... jgnlah bedal dia ... janda lah aku nanti ... heheheheh

    ReplyDelete
  5. Zalinah Seman28 July 2005 at 21:25

    ape larr kao ni..kalau kao tua..ako aper???

    btw...i tink u shud lay low...let it be...jgn mengharap sangat...yg kecewa..kao! not anyone else...rite? try not to put too much hope...redha atas segalanya..and Insya-Allah...jodoh tak kemana.

    ok..ako tak bedal dia for now...tapi later takleh janji larr..mana lar tau..tak sengajer..hehehe :D

    u take care! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  6. JusMoi -29 July 2005 at 04:52

    insyaAllah ... i'm kewl!!

    ReplyDelete

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