hurt him = hurt me more

the wkend has been a mixture of events ... but above all it's been an emo ride for me ... d has been tolerant and i cld feel his love extremely strong ...
the day start with another round of spring cleaning ... i cleared out my 4-door wardrobe ... getting rid of old clothes that i've not worn for ages ... tat ultimately leaves quite a fair bit of space ... my clothes are folded so nicely that my niece commented ... "cantikkkk" ... hehehe ... maklum dah properly fold and stack neatly ...
getting rid of old clothes is like erasing memories ... my baju tunang ... my first baju kurung w/ my ex ... my first baju kurung bought by my ex ... my first kasa rubiah bought by my ex's mum ... baju kurung yg kita buat sepasang dua ... my bridemaids lace kurung (on sa's wedding) and punjabi suit (for sab's wedding) (yg tinggal za nya bridemaid kurung biru kain sari ... tu i'm still wearing it) ... the rest ... it's GONE!!! and i'm glad tat it's good riddance ... cos sedappp sikit mata memandang ...
come noon ... things got bad between me and my sis ... the "devil" in both of us got out tat day ... my mum has to referee-ed us ... d has been a great listener ... non-jugdemental ... tat nite i ask him to bring me out for fresh air ... something tt i have nvr ask b4 ... he relent (walaupun he is tired and sleepy ... driving with half eyes close ... *winks*) ... we end up at the breakwater of east coast beach  ... sitting under the dark clouds ... the sea breeze blowing on us ... water splashes on our faces every once in a while when it hits hard on the break water ... family sitting on mats enjoying a feast of durians ... men with their fishing rods waiting ever so patiently ...
despite the tired work day for d ... we went home and decide to watch DVD ... but end up DVD yg watch kita ... and we fall asleep knowing we're close by each other ...
sunday is another work day for him ... in between jobs ... we clean up his ride ... after his last job, he ask me out for movie ... between the first row of last 2 tickets for Transformer and 2nd row from the front for Die Hard 4.0 ... we chose the latter ... and we're glad we picked tat cos the movie is just AWESOME!!! full of action ... (and d likessss ...) ...
after a cup of coffee and teh at bugis ... we head home ... it's been a long wkend for us ... BUT i spoilt the day ... i hurt him UNINTENTIONALLY ... sigh!!! i'm terribly sorry d ... the last thing i want to do is to hurt you ... u know that ... but you have all rights to be angry and hurt ... i am totally at fault ... not being able to sleep with ... unconcluded tots and feelings ... this i smsed him ...
@1:59 "...Ati mi tk senang slagi d tk maafkan mi ... mi dah cuba dah paksa tp tk leh tido jgk ... Mmg mi yg salah ... Mi trima hukuman ni ... Nanti mi dah penant mi tertido jgk ..." @2.24 "...tido k mi ... d maafkn mi ... da brape kali mcm gini asyik tk dgr ... da brape kali d ckp dgn mi pls pls k ..."
he is hurt and wounded ... yet he finds the sanity to forgive me ... and all i did was to hurt him over and over again ... even if it's all UNINTENTIONAL (kadang tu yg unintentional tu yg will haunt u ... cos it's the least expected) ... and so the nite falls on both of us ... with me almost falling asleep but awaken by my cough at exactly between 2.45-3am where it has become almost routine for the past couple of days ... dah puas2 batuk smp perit tekak and dah muntahkan semua hazanah dlm perut ... then i'm calmer and went back to bed with slight ease ... my tots : "...i cld never love d less each passing d ... cos i knew he loves me more ... and yet i still fear ..."