venting ...

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i knew something is gonna happen last nite ... as in u wld probably have other plans ... the way u talk to ur fren over the phone just give me that suspicion ... but i choose to TRUST u  ... believe that u're not gg to do things behind me w/o telling me ...
tis morning ... it just confirm my suspicion ... when i called u as usual to wake u up ur phone is off ... well to tink abt it it's nothing new cos it does happen especially when ur phone batt is flat and u forgot to charge it ... but i remember very clearly last nite when i was bluetoothing ur phone to mine ... ur batt is as full as mine. let's say u played video, music and all .. it will still be 3/4 full at least cos mine did ... so it's really mustahil that ur batt has gone flat ... so here my tots has started to run wild ...
u finally called at close to 8am ... from a public phone ... just minutes b4 u spoke to me on the phone i tot i hear u shouting to someone as if that someone is a distant away from u ... and ur story begins ... u LOST ur phone! mcm ane leh ilang? ... well apparently u woke up early today ... went to ur lorry to top up the engine oil when the phone jus disappear ... said u left it on the box ... the keys are there but the phone is not ... u've searched everywhere tk de ... u dah risau semcm ... but do u know that u have always been so careful ... u agi cermat dari me ... u take care of things better than i do ... mcm susah nk percaya tat the phone ilang gitu je ... and it's not like u to be waking up earlier than usual and not letting me know when u knew that i wld call u to wake u up (but again it does ever happen ... so i forgive u for that) ... but still tk ke terfikir tat maybe i wld be worried sick like hell tercari2 tertanya2 why is ur phone OFF! and u only realise it like close to 8am ... tk ke u tink i wld have start calling by 7am ... and if by 7am ur phone does not ring u wld normally ring me ... ni tunggu dah close to 8am aru nk tell me abt it ... it just doesn't make sense ...
i wld want to tink ni bkn crita yg sebenar2 nya ... something does happen ... mungkin u dun want to tell me ... takut me marah ... wld i if u said the truth and be honest to me? wld i be angry? tk kan? ... u shld know me better ... i wld want to say u are not telling the truth but it will only provoke u ... and u know that the last thing i want to do is to make u angry ... make u merajuk ... cos when either these happen i LOST! ... and i'm at fault ... i became the wrong one and not u ...
mungkin ni semua berlaku cos u're not honest with me ... i like to tink it tat way ... BUT TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG!!! cos i tink u're telling the truth nothing but the truth ...
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things just got to the worst this morning ... i got to work late ... reach office close to 9.30am ... saw the "bitch" at the lift lobby ... we entered from different door ... gave her a smile ... she return me a smirk smile ... well i said to myself it's alrite ... we got into the same lift ... i greet her good morning ... was tinking dun tink too much abt things ... then she sarcastically ask if i'm staying in clementi ... i said yes ... then she nod her head and look at the watch ... she was probly scheming of how to plot out my lateness to become an evidence to get rid of me ... lucky my phone rang (UOB si rohana tu call) ... i wld usually avoid her call but this time i'm glad my phone rings cos then it kind of save the situation ... she got into the glass door w/o even considering i'm behind her ... and got into the office door w/ the same attitude ...
why can't these pple just be more civilised ... for goodness sake we are WORKING MATURED ADULTS ... all of us are EMPLOYED ... why does the heart has to be so BUSUK!!!! *big sigh*
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as much as i dun want to tink so much abt it ... the more i felt i FAILED! nothing in myself tt i can be proud of ... i'm FAT!! face so full of ACNE marks & EYEBAGS!! been wearing the SAME SKIRT for the past 5 yrs!! can't afford to get myself a perfume ... make do with CHEAP BODY SPRAY (but it still smells good ... so kira ok lah)!! tk de sen to pamper myself ... shop2 till i drop ... mane tk HUTANG tk abis2!! ade boyfren ... tapi BISKUT keliling pinggang ... forever trying to get his attention ... and si boyfren ni pun rajin melayan (walaupun as frens ... rajin benar) ... so honestly tell me ... wat is there tat i can be proud of??!! maybe there's 1 ... my BOYFREN ... despite all the above ... i'm sure he loves me as he say he does ... walaupun ati ni sakit ... ati ni terguris ... ati ni terluka ... but i tink it's norm (i wld want to tink that it's norm) ... cos tink abt it ... tk siape pun slamat dari jatuh ... terluka ... terhentak ... terantuk ... pasti ade incident2 yg menyakitkan berlaku dlm idup kita ... physical maupun emotional ... lumrah idup kan tu??
ntahlah ... (just feel like saying this word) ... breathe in ... breathe out ... let's see wat's gonna happen next ... my mind is seriously a block today ... god help me!!!

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