Worries ...

imagine this weight on my shoulder ... but the fact that the weight is invisible is so much unbearable and much more pain to carry along each day ...
no one knows ... no one felt it ... but MYSELF!
i worries too much ... fact! but hey ... how can i not worry ... can i let you worry instead? when it was told ... shared ... i tot there's a solution where we can share this weight  ... but hey no ... it's for me to decide WAT to do ... HOW to do it ... and all you do is strike it off the list ... and when i'm in trouble ... all you do is question me ... give me that "I-am-not-happy-with-you" look ...

I worry about my weight
I worry about my body shape
I worry about my body size
I worry about my menses pain
I worry that each time when i pull my panties, i've stained my panty liner
I worry about the acnes and marks on my face
I worry about the bulging tummy
I worry that the monsters toilet stain
I worry that the monsters toilet stinks
I worry that my room stinks
I worry that my toilet room stinks
I worry the monsters got on my sofa
I worry the monsters got on my kitchen top
I worry the house in a mess
I worry the house is not clean
I worry the house flooring are not clean
I worry the monsters fur all over the house
I worry about the house BILLS
I worry about the car
I worry that I've no money in my wallet
I worry d gets too tired
I worry d will not be happy
I worry d will get angry
I worry d will get hungry
I worry the monsters food
I worry d's coffee
I worry the susu to make coffee
I worry i can't fit into my top or bottoms

endless worry kan?
and i wonder if d's list of worry is as long as mine ..

the least he can do is to help ...
the least he can do is to accomodate ...
the lest he can do is to appreciate ...

one day when he just got home from work, i doze off on the couch ...
but was awaken when he returns ...
and he said this ... "...d balik mi tido..."and i replied
"...salah d ... seblom d balik mi tido ... d balik mi sadar ..."

salah ke i fall asleep ...
when usually when i got home from work ...
he could either be sleeping,
on the computer,
in the study room or guest room doing his project,
watching TV,
and he didn't even move an inch to greet me ...

but when he got home from work ...
i have to be on my feet ...

when i got home from work ...i have to be cleaning the house ...
feed the monsters ...
clean the monsters space ...

when he don't even move an inch to help ...

he would leave the toilet as it is ...
never a day i saw him washing the toilet ...
he even poo in the toilet and stain it without cleaning it off ...

he wants cats ...
but i end up worrying about the food ...
i end up buying the food ...
i end up cleaning their shit and pee ...
i end up feeding them ... making sure they have food and water ...
i end up buying all the necessary grooming ... cleaning stuff ...

but he? i would clean and feed the monsters before i go to work ...

he?

he left to work without bidding me goodbye ...
i have to be at the door to bid him goodbye ...
but i left for work ... he would be where he is ...
he don't even help to close and lock the door ...
but i would be there ... salam and kiss ...
tu pun when he is very late ... he would not even kiss ...
just brush it away ...

when we were in love before married ...
he is a loving guy ...
now after married, we dun touch each other unless he wants to touch ...
we don't hold hands ... not anymore ...
he's not interested to take pics with me ...
but interested to take pics with others ...
interested to hold others ...
interested to hugs others ...

he is not even interested to look at our wedding pictures ...
but worried that no one is looking at the pictures he took for the production ..
he worries no one commented ...
he is so interested with his own pictures ... that people said nicely taken ...

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE???!!!!!

but 1 thing i know for sure ...
though he didn't reply ...
he does keep tab on me ...
wants to know when i left for work, got to work, got off work and reach home ...

I HAVE BECOME A SLAVE IN MY OWN LIFE ...
IN A LIFE I GOT MYSELF INTO ...
IN A LIFE SO MISERABLE THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN LET GO ...
IN A LIFE I LOVE ... THAT I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY I'M BEARING IT ALL ...

if only i learn to love myself ...